I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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