she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
