Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
