I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
