Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
