I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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