I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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