Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
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dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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