fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
vagina is talking i cant
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
