So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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