last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
