Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
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I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old