I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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