I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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