he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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