I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
