We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
