Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
