he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
