i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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