If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
