I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
