when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
