so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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