I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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