i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
