4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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