Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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