I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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