stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
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Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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