Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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