i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
