Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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