Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
