Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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