I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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