she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize