So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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