you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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