Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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