Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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