You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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