my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
