I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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