wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
