I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
