You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize