there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
