So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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