I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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