pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
