Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
