that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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