before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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